Blog Dis
Talk dirty in five easy steps
2025-02-14
A little guidance, if I may, to rev up your bed activities, in lieu of it being Valentines Day. These are only suggestions and not recommendations. So here it goes. Years past, an adult trade show came to Ottawa called Sexapalooza, which did remarkably well bcus it catered purely to the adult market of frolicking fun.
The last Sexapalooza was held in 2016, and one year, I was invited to give a lecture and to share a table w/ a local author who sold romance novels while I sold my series of Crimson fantasy novels. I miss this event, to tell you the truth. Hopefully, it will return in future. The pandemic didn't help to encourage the return of this specialized tradeshow. Sexapalooza sold all sorts of sex toys and other goodies, like edible panties, and harnesses, plus it held workshops on helping couples to spice up their sex lives. Never underestimate the influence of sexy literature, what many call erotica, or the name I prefer to call this particular genre of fiction - cliterature.
I delivered my lecture to a sold out crowd, and took questions afterward, and it was a lot a fun, plus I was propositioned by some guys afterward, which made total sense, given the subject matter. What's missing in this post are the parts where I ad-libbed, because I was speaking in the moment. You're just getting the condensed version. So, if you're looking to add an edge to your bed-play, here for your consumption are my lecture notes on dirty talk in five easy steps:
D.I.R.T.Y =
1. Degradation
From childhood, we're socialized to respect people. But dirty talk is the opposite - you suspend respect to intentionally objectify your partner. Dirty talk creates a fantasy world. Granted it's natural to worry a bit about offending your partner. To avoid this, establish firsthand some ground rules before you begin, like no passing judgement, or to refrain from using those words that you already know will turn off your partner. Keep in mind, after all, that in the heat of the moment unexpected words may still be blurted out. Practice beforehand to find your voice. The important thing is to let go your inhibitions. Don't take it personally too when your partner speaks degradingly about your body. Dirty talk needs to be authentic to be effective, which means your body is part of the play. If you're the one talking dirty, describe to your partner how wonderful their body smells; compare it to the scent of essential oils, or talk about the texture of their skin and compare some of their body parts to the wildness of predatorial animals; praise their stamina. For some, degradation is part of the dirty talk to objectify. I realize when people see the word degradation, their brain runs to a safe place, which ironically is precisely what you need to create with your partner in order to achieve the right effect - get agreement in advance.
2. Imagination
Not all of us are born to write but we each are gifted with imaginations, and an imagination is like a muscle; if you don't flex it your imagination will atrophy. This is where books and poetry come into the picture, which help to warm up and prepare your partner. Start slow at first. Remember that for women, foreplay begins long before contact occurs between your bodies. Stimulate your partner's mind by reading to them a raunchy piece of prose or poetry. My editor on my first novel described my writing as a tidal wave of raw sex. And that description isn't too far off the mark. Friends tell me that they've used my novels specifically during sex play to get things going. I say all the more power to your naughty bits if dirty words light them on fire. Erotica books will stimulate your mind. Your ears first need to hear these words, and then from your ears these words will travel like wild fire to your brain. Sex begins in the brain for women, and men too, despite what they may say that it's purely visual for them. Maybe it is at first, but men respond to suggestive talk too. Again, everyone has a different set point. I knew one couple who would dress up in uniforms and role play; he'd dress up as a prison guard and she was his prisoner, and it turned her on to be ordered by him to obey his every command, and then they'd switch up roles. A costume too lets you step into the role more convincingly because you can lean on the character, rather than to view yourself as yourself, trying to behave like someone else, an instigator.
3. Raunchy
Raunchy dirty talk is your opportunity to use colorful words and I mean to say every dirty word in the book, the words that'll get you expelled from school. Expand your vocabulary and avoid using clinical words like p*nis or v*gina, when the word c*ck is far better, just like the hard sounding 'c' word for women. Though, I must reiterate that for some women they find the c-word insulting. However, if you know your partner, and they've no issues w/ hearing themselves being called this word or a particular body part being called the 'c' word, then go for it, and work this delightfully raunchy word into your dialogue. BDSM, which for the uninitiated is Bondage, Domination Sadomasochism, this is a perfect example of a relationship that requires open communication. The dominant speaks freely to the submissive, telling them what they plan to do to them, and the submissive needs to hear it. It's no different than dirty talk. Once you know your partner's favourite words and positions, you can incorporate dirty talk into your sexual play to some add extra zing.
4. Timing
For the love of all that is horny, know when it's appropriate to talk dirty, and when it isn't. There is a right and a wrong time. Talking dirty to a woman before you've actually begun a sexual relationship is a fine example of bad timing. Women can be turned off when a guy talks dirty to them on the first date. As a woman, I'm thrilled to discover the length of your Johnny but it's not something I want to know over a cup of coffee, when we meet for the first time. I like long Johnnies, like many women, but hearing about your length and actually seeing how long it is are two different things. So hold off on those horny horses, guys, and wait until you're pressing flesh between the sheets. She will love you for it, all the more. Same applies to making your first online connection. Don't head straight for "show me your t*ts or text her a picture of your c*ck". Suspense works wonders for the imagination, which leads me to my last point.
5. Yearning
Dirty talk isn't exclusively about talking dirty non-stop, all the time. Sometimes it's worthwhile to pause and stop speaking, to allow the silence to build on your partner's anticipation. You want your partner to yearn for your touch, your body and finally for the ol' D to penetrate hard and deep. Try blindfolding. It's an ideal way to turn your partner's focus to your words. And don't be afraid to alternate positions. Let your partner take turns talking dirty to you, as well, because they too are yearning for your body, for intimacy, sex. Being on the receiving end of dirty talk is just as exciting as talking dirty. I think it's fair to say that most people are uncomfortable talking dirty, especially if they're doing it with a new partner. It's OK if you break up laughing too; this is normal.
To become really good at talking dirty, you have to expose yourself. Over time and with practice, you'll become an expert. I've personally found that when I talk dirty to a partner, I incorporate them into the sex play by speaking as though I am them. For example, rather than say, "I'm going to gently stroke your legs and inch my way up to your..." Add them into your story instead, "Your hands are touching my legs, gently sliding upward, one fingertip at a time, ever close to my..." Now, you're making them part of the sex play, as though you're acting like them. You know what turns you on better than they do, so if you pretend to be them, to speak dirty as though they are exploring your body, like some erotic temple, while you talk dirty to them, it brings them into your imaginary world.
Or, alternatively, you can tear off your clothes, say nothing, and get to it, then take a breather, by waiting a bit, let the steam dry, and refuse to touch each, only then to start again but this time add in some dirty talk.
Happy Valentine's Day! 💝
The last Sexapalooza was held in 2016, and one year, I was invited to give a lecture and to share a table w/ a local author who sold romance novels while I sold my series of Crimson fantasy novels. I miss this event, to tell you the truth. Hopefully, it will return in future. The pandemic didn't help to encourage the return of this specialized tradeshow. Sexapalooza sold all sorts of sex toys and other goodies, like edible panties, and harnesses, plus it held workshops on helping couples to spice up their sex lives. Never underestimate the influence of sexy literature, what many call erotica, or the name I prefer to call this particular genre of fiction - cliterature.
I delivered my lecture to a sold out crowd, and took questions afterward, and it was a lot a fun, plus I was propositioned by some guys afterward, which made total sense, given the subject matter. What's missing in this post are the parts where I ad-libbed, because I was speaking in the moment. You're just getting the condensed version. So, if you're looking to add an edge to your bed-play, here for your consumption are my lecture notes on dirty talk in five easy steps:
D.I.R.T.Y =
1. Degradation
From childhood, we're socialized to respect people. But dirty talk is the opposite - you suspend respect to intentionally objectify your partner. Dirty talk creates a fantasy world. Granted it's natural to worry a bit about offending your partner. To avoid this, establish firsthand some ground rules before you begin, like no passing judgement, or to refrain from using those words that you already know will turn off your partner. Keep in mind, after all, that in the heat of the moment unexpected words may still be blurted out. Practice beforehand to find your voice. The important thing is to let go your inhibitions. Don't take it personally too when your partner speaks degradingly about your body. Dirty talk needs to be authentic to be effective, which means your body is part of the play. If you're the one talking dirty, describe to your partner how wonderful their body smells; compare it to the scent of essential oils, or talk about the texture of their skin and compare some of their body parts to the wildness of predatorial animals; praise their stamina. For some, degradation is part of the dirty talk to objectify. I realize when people see the word degradation, their brain runs to a safe place, which ironically is precisely what you need to create with your partner in order to achieve the right effect - get agreement in advance.
2. Imagination
Not all of us are born to write but we each are gifted with imaginations, and an imagination is like a muscle; if you don't flex it your imagination will atrophy. This is where books and poetry come into the picture, which help to warm up and prepare your partner. Start slow at first. Remember that for women, foreplay begins long before contact occurs between your bodies. Stimulate your partner's mind by reading to them a raunchy piece of prose or poetry. My editor on my first novel described my writing as a tidal wave of raw sex. And that description isn't too far off the mark. Friends tell me that they've used my novels specifically during sex play to get things going. I say all the more power to your naughty bits if dirty words light them on fire. Erotica books will stimulate your mind. Your ears first need to hear these words, and then from your ears these words will travel like wild fire to your brain. Sex begins in the brain for women, and men too, despite what they may say that it's purely visual for them. Maybe it is at first, but men respond to suggestive talk too. Again, everyone has a different set point. I knew one couple who would dress up in uniforms and role play; he'd dress up as a prison guard and she was his prisoner, and it turned her on to be ordered by him to obey his every command, and then they'd switch up roles. A costume too lets you step into the role more convincingly because you can lean on the character, rather than to view yourself as yourself, trying to behave like someone else, an instigator.
3. Raunchy
Raunchy dirty talk is your opportunity to use colorful words and I mean to say every dirty word in the book, the words that'll get you expelled from school. Expand your vocabulary and avoid using clinical words like p*nis or v*gina, when the word c*ck is far better, just like the hard sounding 'c' word for women. Though, I must reiterate that for some women they find the c-word insulting. However, if you know your partner, and they've no issues w/ hearing themselves being called this word or a particular body part being called the 'c' word, then go for it, and work this delightfully raunchy word into your dialogue. BDSM, which for the uninitiated is Bondage, Domination Sadomasochism, this is a perfect example of a relationship that requires open communication. The dominant speaks freely to the submissive, telling them what they plan to do to them, and the submissive needs to hear it. It's no different than dirty talk. Once you know your partner's favourite words and positions, you can incorporate dirty talk into your sexual play to some add extra zing.
4. Timing
For the love of all that is horny, know when it's appropriate to talk dirty, and when it isn't. There is a right and a wrong time. Talking dirty to a woman before you've actually begun a sexual relationship is a fine example of bad timing. Women can be turned off when a guy talks dirty to them on the first date. As a woman, I'm thrilled to discover the length of your Johnny but it's not something I want to know over a cup of coffee, when we meet for the first time. I like long Johnnies, like many women, but hearing about your length and actually seeing how long it is are two different things. So hold off on those horny horses, guys, and wait until you're pressing flesh between the sheets. She will love you for it, all the more. Same applies to making your first online connection. Don't head straight for "show me your t*ts or text her a picture of your c*ck". Suspense works wonders for the imagination, which leads me to my last point.
5. Yearning
Dirty talk isn't exclusively about talking dirty non-stop, all the time. Sometimes it's worthwhile to pause and stop speaking, to allow the silence to build on your partner's anticipation. You want your partner to yearn for your touch, your body and finally for the ol' D to penetrate hard and deep. Try blindfolding. It's an ideal way to turn your partner's focus to your words. And don't be afraid to alternate positions. Let your partner take turns talking dirty to you, as well, because they too are yearning for your body, for intimacy, sex. Being on the receiving end of dirty talk is just as exciting as talking dirty. I think it's fair to say that most people are uncomfortable talking dirty, especially if they're doing it with a new partner. It's OK if you break up laughing too; this is normal.
To become really good at talking dirty, you have to expose yourself. Over time and with practice, you'll become an expert. I've personally found that when I talk dirty to a partner, I incorporate them into the sex play by speaking as though I am them. For example, rather than say, "I'm going to gently stroke your legs and inch my way up to your..." Add them into your story instead, "Your hands are touching my legs, gently sliding upward, one fingertip at a time, ever close to my..." Now, you're making them part of the sex play, as though you're acting like them. You know what turns you on better than they do, so if you pretend to be them, to speak dirty as though they are exploring your body, like some erotic temple, while you talk dirty to them, it brings them into your imaginary world.
Or, alternatively, you can tear off your clothes, say nothing, and get to it, then take a breather, by waiting a bit, let the steam dry, and refuse to touch each, only then to start again but this time add in some dirty talk.
Happy Valentine's Day! 💝
