Blog Dis
The alchemy of relationships
2024-02-08
I own this monster-sized hardcover book that must way close to 3 pounds, called The Secret Language of Relationships, co-written by Gary Goldschneider and Joost Elffers (copyright 1994). Their description in the prologue rang so true for me that I am compelled to share with you their three examples on defining what is a relationship, using analogues that deal with the physical and the metaphysical. So here it goes:
1. Physical vs. Chemical:
In a physical reaction, when two original elements are blended or ground together, they become one compound without being transformed, that is to say the newly created compound can still be separated back into its original elements. But with a chemical reaction, two elements are combined into one to create a whole new compound that cannot be broken back down into its original component elements. Relationships between two people are more like a chemical reaction in that the relationship has such a profound effect on both individuals, the partners almost become a newly formed compound.
2. Interface:
When two elements overlap or touch each other at the edges, the point at which they meet, the interface is not always easy to define. If you looked at yourself in a mirror and touched the mirror with your finger, the effect is the same as touching your image in a pool of water. The point of contact between your finger and the water disturbs the original image. In an interface relationship, one or both partners are motivated by the desire to go through this interface and make contact with the new person on the other side. If only one person is determined to achieve this, it can lead to problems. When both partners are willing to do this, the souls become mingled with one another, producing a profound transformation.
3. Ecstasy:
John Donne, a long dead English metaphysical poet wrote a lovely poem called "Ectasie" about two lovers lying on a grassy bank, their bodies entwined, while they gazed into each others eyes. Donne wrote about how their souls traveled along the "double string" of eye connection, leaving the confines of their bodies to establish a soulful, metaphysical connection. Ecstasy is derived from the Latin word "ex statis" literally meaning to step outside of yourself. It's through this connection that the soul expresses itself in a manner more meaningful than just bodies becoming entwined. But again, we are talking about transformation and the changing of oneself.
These relationship models illustrate the obvious point that in all cases when you enter into a new romantic relationship, you'll become a changed person. In my years alive on this planet, I've had relationships that lasted as little as one night or an afternoon (think wild 20s, 30s and 40s) and the longest was six years. I won't profess to being the sharpest pencil in the box, not by a longshot, but I've learned to look before I leap and more importantly to take my time and watch for danger signals before considering getting into a romantic relationship; danger signals like a temper that erupts over the smallest things, rudeness, selfishness, lying, controlling behaviour and not being able to rely on them, or worse covering up past crimes or hiding a mountain of debt. It still amazes me to this day that so many people will happily jump into a new relationship at the drop of a hat, regarding this new blending as the ideal of what their life needs, even before they've an inkling of what they're actually getting into, which is to say it's much easier to get into a new relationship than it is to make an exit. Perhaps this explains why many will stage their break-up in public over dinner, and hopefully it'll be more graceful than a total train wreck.
Sure, sure... some relationships will make you a better person; they'll inspire you to ramp up your game. Others will leave you damaged, depending on how they end. You might be thinking to yourself, why is this woman grappling with this subject? Fair question. But when is it a good time to discuss relationships? Many men will tell you there's rarely a good time to discuss a relationship, while many women will not tire of discussing the minute details of their relationship dynamic because they need to re-examine their feelings as a way of remaining connected. Honestly, I think most men would prefer to discuss the latest sports game [and yes this could be construed as a sexist comment because it's true, for the most part.]
Men and women are different animals. Perhaps this is why the cliché rings true, such as one of the oldest that love is blind. I've never forgotten a very old word rarely used: Limerence, which is that foggy state of mind when you enter into a new relationship; you're taken away with the individual, almost obsessed, that you tend to gloss over the hard realities of the individual, or ignore the fact that they may not necessarily feel the same about you as you do them, as well as being quick to ignore the negative aspects of the person. We put the past behind us, often forgetting just what a relationship is really about: mutual sacrifice, compromise, forgiveness and most of all patience. I can't offer you any ultimate truths or easy answers. I can only advise you to look before you leap. And if you think you're going to come out of a romantic relationship as the exact same person you were when you first went in, think again, my friend.
Love cannot exist in a vacuum any more than you can exist as the same person year after year in a world of opposites and an ever changing environment.
1. Physical vs. Chemical:
In a physical reaction, when two original elements are blended or ground together, they become one compound without being transformed, that is to say the newly created compound can still be separated back into its original elements. But with a chemical reaction, two elements are combined into one to create a whole new compound that cannot be broken back down into its original component elements. Relationships between two people are more like a chemical reaction in that the relationship has such a profound effect on both individuals, the partners almost become a newly formed compound.
2. Interface:
When two elements overlap or touch each other at the edges, the point at which they meet, the interface is not always easy to define. If you looked at yourself in a mirror and touched the mirror with your finger, the effect is the same as touching your image in a pool of water. The point of contact between your finger and the water disturbs the original image. In an interface relationship, one or both partners are motivated by the desire to go through this interface and make contact with the new person on the other side. If only one person is determined to achieve this, it can lead to problems. When both partners are willing to do this, the souls become mingled with one another, producing a profound transformation.
3. Ecstasy:
John Donne, a long dead English metaphysical poet wrote a lovely poem called "Ectasie" about two lovers lying on a grassy bank, their bodies entwined, while they gazed into each others eyes. Donne wrote about how their souls traveled along the "double string" of eye connection, leaving the confines of their bodies to establish a soulful, metaphysical connection. Ecstasy is derived from the Latin word "ex statis" literally meaning to step outside of yourself. It's through this connection that the soul expresses itself in a manner more meaningful than just bodies becoming entwined. But again, we are talking about transformation and the changing of oneself.
These relationship models illustrate the obvious point that in all cases when you enter into a new romantic relationship, you'll become a changed person. In my years alive on this planet, I've had relationships that lasted as little as one night or an afternoon (think wild 20s, 30s and 40s) and the longest was six years. I won't profess to being the sharpest pencil in the box, not by a longshot, but I've learned to look before I leap and more importantly to take my time and watch for danger signals before considering getting into a romantic relationship; danger signals like a temper that erupts over the smallest things, rudeness, selfishness, lying, controlling behaviour and not being able to rely on them, or worse covering up past crimes or hiding a mountain of debt. It still amazes me to this day that so many people will happily jump into a new relationship at the drop of a hat, regarding this new blending as the ideal of what their life needs, even before they've an inkling of what they're actually getting into, which is to say it's much easier to get into a new relationship than it is to make an exit. Perhaps this explains why many will stage their break-up in public over dinner, and hopefully it'll be more graceful than a total train wreck.
Sure, sure... some relationships will make you a better person; they'll inspire you to ramp up your game. Others will leave you damaged, depending on how they end. You might be thinking to yourself, why is this woman grappling with this subject? Fair question. But when is it a good time to discuss relationships? Many men will tell you there's rarely a good time to discuss a relationship, while many women will not tire of discussing the minute details of their relationship dynamic because they need to re-examine their feelings as a way of remaining connected. Honestly, I think most men would prefer to discuss the latest sports game [and yes this could be construed as a sexist comment because it's true, for the most part.]
Men and women are different animals. Perhaps this is why the cliché rings true, such as one of the oldest that love is blind. I've never forgotten a very old word rarely used: Limerence, which is that foggy state of mind when you enter into a new relationship; you're taken away with the individual, almost obsessed, that you tend to gloss over the hard realities of the individual, or ignore the fact that they may not necessarily feel the same about you as you do them, as well as being quick to ignore the negative aspects of the person. We put the past behind us, often forgetting just what a relationship is really about: mutual sacrifice, compromise, forgiveness and most of all patience. I can't offer you any ultimate truths or easy answers. I can only advise you to look before you leap. And if you think you're going to come out of a romantic relationship as the exact same person you were when you first went in, think again, my friend.
Love cannot exist in a vacuum any more than you can exist as the same person year after year in a world of opposites and an ever changing environment.
