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A misleading title, if ever there was one, knowing fully that narcissism is here to say, a gross fact of life, so long as there are people. Granted, we can choose to step away from the narcissists of this world and, sometimes, just sometimes the narcissist will collapse in on themselves.

Trouble is we don't always recognize this trait called narcissism when its fully-embodied in a person, if at first we're advised by the powers that be at work, as one example, that someone new is in charge of us. Soon enough, their toxic personality will reveal itself. It'll be subtle at first, a form of charm and wit that belies the dirty truth which screams from their pores. These are the masters of deception, who can lie like rugs, and butter up individuals to throw them off guard. Make no mistake. If ever you've reported to a narcissist, these are the types of colleagues who'll take credit for your work, make a minor tweak here or there, put their name on it, smile as they stab you in the back, then degrade your good name, despite you not having done a single personal thing against them in the first place. I've been there. Perhaps you as well. I'm a writer and this happened to me more than I like to admit, when I worked in an office and a director to whom I reported was located in another city.🤬

A narcissist is someone who's well practiced in the maneuvers of corporate culture, working with ease alongside the corporate sociopaths. In fact, it's rare to encounter either one without them typically being in possession of these qualities. When a narcissist and a sociopath find one another, there's an unwritten rule: they respect each other's tactics, to remain leery yet aware. Each is quick to size up the other, to figure out what can be extracted out of the person, to be used to their benefit. I call this symbiotic narcissism.

In the last six years, I've spent the hours, to take the time to carefully digest multiple podcasts and online articles on understanding the damaging effects and levels of narcissism. What a shock to my senses to learn that there's more than one type of narcissist. Some contend there are a minimum of five narcissistic personality types, the most well-known being the malignant narcissist, who is all about power, and hungry for more power. During this period of learning, I became knowledgeable on the Dark Triad, a common term to describe their psychological traits, comprised of Narcissism, Machiavellianism and Psychopathy.

Yes, the term narcissist is thrown around a lot, and we hear it too often, only there's validity to this, to help comprehend its powerful influence on your life and the life of others.

If you read on, you'll have the benefit of learning from my layperson's journey. Let me state up front, however, that I don't possess a degree in higher learning on the study of psychology, nor do I have direct experience in learning from a psychiatrist. But it's easy enough for you to read up on this pathology, the Dark Triad. Here is the description in a nutshell: the three core traits are grandiosity, pride, ego and a deeply rooted need for constant attention, and the recognition that comes with it (Narcissism). Next is the subtle manipulation characterized by strategic deception, a ruthless focus on self-interest (Machiavellianism). Finally, a lack of remorse or empathy, profoundly so that even when their toxic behavior is exposed to them, and how it has hurt others, your words will men absolutely nothing to someone who feels zero remorse (Psychopathy).

One element of acquiring a breadth of knowledge and understanding is the mystery behind narcissism. The psychiatric profession doesn't have a fully-formed explanation as to how a narcissist is created in the first place. Oh sure, there are broad strokes, without specificity, such as pointing the finger at childhood upbringing (where psychiatry typically runs to when it comes to unraveling an adult's character) as well as trauma along the way, brain structure and a complex mix of genetics. This is hardly specific but it illustrates my point.

How does a single sibling in a family develop these traits, while the other siblings do not? This seems like a logical question to ask, and yet at the same time, I'm the first to state that parents don't treat their children the same. So, if one child receives loads of attention, and special allowances for off-kilter behavior, to be bailed out time and again, then perhaps it might shed some light as to why these children grow up believing and thinking that they deserve special attention all the time, for doing nothing special.

Children may endure the same trauma in their family, yet each will respond differently. By this I mean that each individual is wholly-gestated, and raised, after which each child evolves into an adult, some slower than others, some faster than others. Here we choose our behavior, rather than have it assigned to us by our parents. Our parents may have imprinted their fears onto us, as well as influence our joys and habits, yet again and regardless, once you enter into the realm of adulthood, your personality and quirks are your entire making. It's a normal process of existing, and to co-exist with others in relationships, friends and work, to course-correct when you recognize that your behavior is being destructive to this carefully crafted lattice of networking, as we often find in a work environment, and especially in a relationship or friendship.

The narcissist, on the other hand, sees every person within their sphere as either an ally or an enemy.

You don't have to do anything overt for a narcissist to view you as an enemy. It could be something as simple as the narcissist believing that you can't be controlled by them, and I've come to the conclusion that this is their biggest trigger. A narcissist needs a patsy or a neophyte, someone who'll hang onto their every word, or follow them blindly, and not question their tactics or their need to use someone to their advantage, who is blind to their ways, in order to be able to hang them out to dry when things go sideways.

In watching live interviews of psychologists who treat an individual that they've diagnosed as a narcissist, it's obvious to them that the narcissist doesn't see themselves this way at all. Yet, a trained psychologist in this field will recognize the signs immediately: non-blinking eyes or how the conversation is constantly re-rooted back to themselves. Narcissists are passive-aggressive, who'll constantly interrupt you, while pretending to care about what you have to say. Know, however, that while you're speaking, rather than listen to you, to actually absorb your words, they're thinking about how to counter your words, to re-frame their situation where they're the hero. A narcissist will pretend they know it all, much more than you, and if you persist in trying to reach them, they'll begin to double-down.

It's no coincidence why these toxic persons are more attracted to some professions than others, such as the belief that multi-billion dollar organizations are likely being run by a CEO who embodies narcissistic characteristics, thereby allowing them to cut heads or make tough choices that benefit the company, without one drop of empathy, and knowing that families might be destroyed in the process. One PhD, working for the Kalmor Institute, a consultancy that specializes in managing high-risk 'dark personalities' had recently posted on their social page that there are professions that have the highest number of narcissists and psychopaths. And, these combine law enforcement and those working in the legal system as lawyers and judges. One of the main reasons is that the justice system is the most attractive employer to human predators. Scary thought!

Then there is manipulation in the course of interaction or dialogue with you. A narcissist will re-assign blame and make it about your behavior, if you attempt to challenge them on their actions. I've heard of this and seen it umpteen times by persons in a relationship with a narcissist, and how they'll play the victim card. It is by far the quick ace up their sleeve, to easily and effectively re-direct your dialogue or attention away from them, and make it about how you're lacking in sympathy and empathy for how the world owes them a living, and why you need to be kind to them. Once you recognize these signs, you'll be better equipped to either avoid interaction with them or to shut down their tactics. Even then, however, a narcissist won't take responsibility for their behavior because even the mildest discussion that centers on their treatment of others will be viewed as a personal attack.

Not long ago, and while selling my novels at a fantasy exhibition, I was chatting with another seller, and we both landed on the subject of dealing with a narcissist. She admitted that her first marriage had turned out to be a disaster and that she tried everything to make it work. Her lightbulb moment came on, when a doctor in the field of psychology pointed out to her how she unwittingly had married a narcissist, someone who presented themselves as one person, until it was official, and then their true personality emerged. She set about to understand this label, after which she tallied the incidences, the tactics, the continual gaslighting, undermining her credibility, and the criticisms that were framed as joking. It was an eye-opening conversation for me too, to hear about it in first-person from someone who'd endured the toxic behavior for nearly a decade.

In my naivete, I asked what if an adult realizes later in life that one of their parents was a narcissist all along, and her expression told me that she understood what I had asked. Her reply, "People raised by a narcissist are some of the smartest I've come across because they had to learn how to tip-toe around the egg-shells, and to adapt to the trauma of a manipulator." If you're one of the unlucky ones, who not only has a narcissist parent, plus a sibling too who is also one, you'll be the first to see the connection that they'll support each other, gravitate toward one another, to almost mirror each other, finding with ease a commonality of traits, to fine-tune their skills to manipulate other members of the family.

Narcissistic collapse is another identified state, as per one psychologist. This is an inevitable stage in the life of a narcissist, about which I've learned along the way to educating myself. It pertains to when a narcissistic parent reaches an elderly stage where they no longer have power or control over anyone in their life, nor are they able to continue to manipulate people. When this stage grows roots, they become discontented to the point of being unable to function, and their personality is cranked up a notch to abusive on a regular basis. You cannot reason with them, nor can you change them, nor have you ever been able to change them. The saddest part is that your narcissistic parent won't even understand why it is their extended family isn't interested in coming around to visit with them. It won't cross their mind, to question their past behavior towards great-grandchildren, grand children or their own children, and they'll work on the assumption that each one has been instructed not to speak with them.

When you're unable to reflect on your own behavior, to genuinely understand that you had played a hand in the destruction of relationships, why would you think that you're at fault?

Each of us, too, apparently has a drop of narcissism in us, which is viewed as self-esteem, and this allows us to pursue our dreams, to protect our self-interests. Again, however, there are levels to narcissism, some more destructive than others, such as NPD, which is Narcissistic Personality Disorder, when an individual demands excessive admiration.

I highly recommend that you spend time to read up on the types of narcissists. One variety, the 'Vulnerable Narcissist' is by far the most pernicious. These types are what many would call adults who've failed to fully-launch, yet they are highly successful at manipulating others to feel sorry for them, to ensure supporters will continue to prop them up with money and emotional support, any means that allows them to coast on the coattails of someone else. Know they are narcissists to the core: unable to get along with anyone; unable to cope with the pressures of work; unable to hear criticism; unable to regulate emotions, dealing with a range of rage that can be unleashed at a moment's notice. I've personally known one for decades, so my vital recommendation is to cut all ties, the sooner the better. It'll feel like you've been released from prison.

I've never been married, so I cannot attest to the emotional upheaval that some partners endure being married to a narcissist. I can only assure you that educating yourself on their traits will be the best time spent.

The human condition continues to evolve. I'm more and more convinced that mental disorders, as the psychiatric profession likes to call them, such as bi-polar or ADHD, are an example of the human species evolving, to make us humans more sensitive to others, as a means of comprehending that there are other needs in this world, besides our own. I've observed when dealing with these individuals that they do spend meaningful time to reflect deeply on their behavior, and how they carry with themselves regrets for those times when their callous behavior has hurt eithers.

Sadly, this doesn't apply to the world of a narcissist. Run away quickly, when you learn how to recognize the signs. You can only change your tactics to protect yourself, rather than to change the person doing the harm.