Blog Dis
A sense of fair play...
2026-08-25
Do you have one? Be honest. Do you regard yourself as someone who believes in observing a sense of fair play? For if you do, then consider yourself to be one of the few, who go unrewarded for striving to treat each person with a sense of fair play. It means you will not knowingly take advantage of someone, no matter the temptation.
In my experience, most persons are happy having an edge, more so in competitive environments, and the truth is that in sports this is encouraged. But to have a sense of fair play, means that you observe the rules without feeling the need to cheat in order to win. Some are compelled to play dirty because it's the only way they feel a game of sport should be played. I won't point a finger at any precise sport, though I've heard that when it comes to the most brutal of sports, many enthusiasts feel that North American football and hockey are some of the most physically challenging, and how it isn't above their players to take dirty shots at opponents. This is often viewed as fair play.
Though this isn't quite what I mean when it comes to having a sense of fair play, particularly in the realm of marriage, friendships and business relationships. We're not supposed to be in competition with one another. We are a team, and the hope is that we'll each observe a sense of fair play in terms of how we treat one another, to help each other to win at this game of life. This, as we all know too well, is rarely the case.
I shall return to my earlier remark. We all like to have an edge, and if we don't have it, we'll figure out a way of giving it to ourselves, or we'll take it from elsewhere.
Applying a sense of fair play can be simple or complex. A good example would be if you and a partner, or a friend, were each to choose a movie for your regular movie night, and then to swap up, to allow the other to choose when it's their turn. It doesn't matter what's being selected. What matters is your enthusiasm to respect their turn to choose, and to show interest in their choice, even if you don't necessarily feel that it's a choice you'd personally make. I've gone down this road with a friend, who didn't want to be fair when it was their turn to go along with my choice. It was done to me once by this individual and I never trusted them again. I realize this may come across as a drastic view, that we are sometimes wise to go along with whatever is happening, to go with the flow, as they say. I've stopped given allowances, however, to persons just because I want to keep their friendship. If you conduct yourself this way, you'll slowly and surely whittle away the respect that your friend has for you, because they'll see how easy it is for them to take advantage of you, while you'll slowly lose self-respect for yourself.
Another example is when we share a living space with another individual. How wise it is to get agreements in writing, more so if there is a marriage license, which is proof that your agreement to share yours and their assets is legitimate, and assuming there isn't a prenup put in place, though I agree with doing this as well. All's fair in love and war right? Wrong! All is not fair in the land of marriage when it comes to the division of labor. Too often I've heard of newly married couples who have their first child, and barely six months after the baby has been weened off breastfeeding, the husband will categorically state to me how he can't be bothered to get up at night to help with the baby, to change the diaper. He'll 'try' in the beginning and give up because he needs his sleep. The baby will still wake up at night, as babies are born to do, and feeding will have to occur, yet again the father will merely roll over. Is this fair? Heck no!
Even before kids are introduced into the picture, the division of labor has to be set out like rules carved into a stone slab, the Ten Commandments of Fairness, only without the biblical undertones. Here is where the waters become choppy and the fairness of waves are rarely even, when one partner in the arrangement decides to drop the ball, forcing the other to pick up the slack. If your sense of fair play goes missing under the couch, don't be surprised if resentment begins to build, or sexual favors start to wane as your partner silently counts each time you've failed to uphold your end of the bargain.
An agreed upon bargain, like a marriage contract, is a form of observing a sense of fair play, to be fair about how responsibilities within a relationship have been divided. I knew of one woman, prior to getting married, who insisted that there were clauses in their marriage contract which stipulated that they each had to treat one another every month to a dinner out, to be followed by focusing their intimacy on pleasuring each other. She admitted to me that this was the best thing ever, given that it was her second marriage and his third. So every month, without fail they treated each other to separate dinner dates, followed by earnest bed-play, where pleasuring through foreplay was the primary focus. I get all goose-bumps just thinking about it. It's civilized, fair and respectful. Damn.
Does it matter if there are formal agreements? Does it change the spontaneity of creating romance, that leads to foreplay, that helps to uplift the lust between two people? Apparently it does, and this is according to friends who are on their second or third marriages. The illusion that those persons in your life will treat you with fairness all the time, without fail, is just that, an illusion, and this means you both have to expect to be held to account by the other person.
Our personal behavior towards others is a reflection of how we feel about ourselves, and see ourselves, and a way to announce to the world that we have standards, which we observe. This reminds me of the formal risk management training that I had to complete in my last place of employment. The training ensured that you were well aware of your responsibilities, to act with integrity, and to be mindful of your conduct. Naturally, I followed these rules, though I can't always attest to having the most perfect conduct, when it came to expressing opinions, in terms of how I would engage with other colleagues. I was never one to play politics, by faking my displeasure, if I saw how one person was taking advantage of someone else, or even me. Then I would call them out. But when it came to observing company rules to not just operate with a sense of integrity, to play it fair, the idea is that employees will not engage in untoward behavior to embarrass the company's reputation.
Having a sense of fair play is applied like this, just as I've described.
Most recently, an online friend paid me a wonderful compliment, when he said, "You are balanced and fair." This meant more to me than being told I'm beautiful or that I'm smart... though I don't mind when I'm told by a reader how they devoured my book. I'm not above receiving compliments. 😇 It would offend me deeply, however, were I to be told that I'm selfish and unfair to people who are in less of a position to defend themselves. This brings me to my other point about applying a sense of fairness. There seems to be many intelligence agencies in the world, in practice, who can only succeed by not playing it fair, and this to a degree I understand, when it comes to warfare and tradecraft. Nothing is fair in war. We are in a position to strive toward fairness in love, however, so make the effort to strive for it! Though I accept that fairness in love isn't necessarily achievable at every turn.
Another longtime male friend of mine, oh my... I'm sure we've known each other coming up on 40 years. We chatted one time about fairness and he couldn't have disagreed with my opinions any more than he had. He was adamant, "But you're dealing with men. We're not fair. We sure af don't treat women fairly. We don't treat each other fairly." His words gave me pause to think. After I reflected, I came to the conclusion that this is why fairness is so important to me because life isn't fair, never has been, never will be.
I express often my love of the movie Three Days of the Condor, a fine film made in the 1970s, a spy thriller which showcases how one CIA employee, working in an isolated office, unknown to the public, is suddenly thrust into intrigue, a life and death situation. In order for him to come out of it alive, he has to beat them at their own game, to out-smart them, and this ultimately results with him becoming a whistleblower, an act that any ordinary individual would avoid like the plague. At this stage, the idea of fairness is questionable. When your life is on the line, is it fair to be expected to play fair with the very persons who want to end your life? The answer of course is no. Play fair when it means not sacrificing your very life.
I shall leave you now with this one thought which may or may not resonate with you. If ever you find yourself before a judge, for whatever charge is being levied against you, keep in mind that justice isn't about fairness, nor is it the end result. Justice is a process.
The fairness you give to yourself, to your partner, your children, to your employer is a choice you get to make, and to make it alone. You're not obligated to be fair, though you'll surely sleep better at night if this is your personal standard in life.
In my experience, most persons are happy having an edge, more so in competitive environments, and the truth is that in sports this is encouraged. But to have a sense of fair play, means that you observe the rules without feeling the need to cheat in order to win. Some are compelled to play dirty because it's the only way they feel a game of sport should be played. I won't point a finger at any precise sport, though I've heard that when it comes to the most brutal of sports, many enthusiasts feel that North American football and hockey are some of the most physically challenging, and how it isn't above their players to take dirty shots at opponents. This is often viewed as fair play.
Though this isn't quite what I mean when it comes to having a sense of fair play, particularly in the realm of marriage, friendships and business relationships. We're not supposed to be in competition with one another. We are a team, and the hope is that we'll each observe a sense of fair play in terms of how we treat one another, to help each other to win at this game of life. This, as we all know too well, is rarely the case.
I shall return to my earlier remark. We all like to have an edge, and if we don't have it, we'll figure out a way of giving it to ourselves, or we'll take it from elsewhere.
Applying a sense of fair play can be simple or complex. A good example would be if you and a partner, or a friend, were each to choose a movie for your regular movie night, and then to swap up, to allow the other to choose when it's their turn. It doesn't matter what's being selected. What matters is your enthusiasm to respect their turn to choose, and to show interest in their choice, even if you don't necessarily feel that it's a choice you'd personally make. I've gone down this road with a friend, who didn't want to be fair when it was their turn to go along with my choice. It was done to me once by this individual and I never trusted them again. I realize this may come across as a drastic view, that we are sometimes wise to go along with whatever is happening, to go with the flow, as they say. I've stopped given allowances, however, to persons just because I want to keep their friendship. If you conduct yourself this way, you'll slowly and surely whittle away the respect that your friend has for you, because they'll see how easy it is for them to take advantage of you, while you'll slowly lose self-respect for yourself.
Another example is when we share a living space with another individual. How wise it is to get agreements in writing, more so if there is a marriage license, which is proof that your agreement to share yours and their assets is legitimate, and assuming there isn't a prenup put in place, though I agree with doing this as well. All's fair in love and war right? Wrong! All is not fair in the land of marriage when it comes to the division of labor. Too often I've heard of newly married couples who have their first child, and barely six months after the baby has been weened off breastfeeding, the husband will categorically state to me how he can't be bothered to get up at night to help with the baby, to change the diaper. He'll 'try' in the beginning and give up because he needs his sleep. The baby will still wake up at night, as babies are born to do, and feeding will have to occur, yet again the father will merely roll over. Is this fair? Heck no!
Even before kids are introduced into the picture, the division of labor has to be set out like rules carved into a stone slab, the Ten Commandments of Fairness, only without the biblical undertones. Here is where the waters become choppy and the fairness of waves are rarely even, when one partner in the arrangement decides to drop the ball, forcing the other to pick up the slack. If your sense of fair play goes missing under the couch, don't be surprised if resentment begins to build, or sexual favors start to wane as your partner silently counts each time you've failed to uphold your end of the bargain.
An agreed upon bargain, like a marriage contract, is a form of observing a sense of fair play, to be fair about how responsibilities within a relationship have been divided. I knew of one woman, prior to getting married, who insisted that there were clauses in their marriage contract which stipulated that they each had to treat one another every month to a dinner out, to be followed by focusing their intimacy on pleasuring each other. She admitted to me that this was the best thing ever, given that it was her second marriage and his third. So every month, without fail they treated each other to separate dinner dates, followed by earnest bed-play, where pleasuring through foreplay was the primary focus. I get all goose-bumps just thinking about it. It's civilized, fair and respectful. Damn.
Does it matter if there are formal agreements? Does it change the spontaneity of creating romance, that leads to foreplay, that helps to uplift the lust between two people? Apparently it does, and this is according to friends who are on their second or third marriages. The illusion that those persons in your life will treat you with fairness all the time, without fail, is just that, an illusion, and this means you both have to expect to be held to account by the other person.
Our personal behavior towards others is a reflection of how we feel about ourselves, and see ourselves, and a way to announce to the world that we have standards, which we observe. This reminds me of the formal risk management training that I had to complete in my last place of employment. The training ensured that you were well aware of your responsibilities, to act with integrity, and to be mindful of your conduct. Naturally, I followed these rules, though I can't always attest to having the most perfect conduct, when it came to expressing opinions, in terms of how I would engage with other colleagues. I was never one to play politics, by faking my displeasure, if I saw how one person was taking advantage of someone else, or even me. Then I would call them out. But when it came to observing company rules to not just operate with a sense of integrity, to play it fair, the idea is that employees will not engage in untoward behavior to embarrass the company's reputation.
Having a sense of fair play is applied like this, just as I've described.
Most recently, an online friend paid me a wonderful compliment, when he said, "You are balanced and fair." This meant more to me than being told I'm beautiful or that I'm smart... though I don't mind when I'm told by a reader how they devoured my book. I'm not above receiving compliments. 😇 It would offend me deeply, however, were I to be told that I'm selfish and unfair to people who are in less of a position to defend themselves. This brings me to my other point about applying a sense of fairness. There seems to be many intelligence agencies in the world, in practice, who can only succeed by not playing it fair, and this to a degree I understand, when it comes to warfare and tradecraft. Nothing is fair in war. We are in a position to strive toward fairness in love, however, so make the effort to strive for it! Though I accept that fairness in love isn't necessarily achievable at every turn.
Another longtime male friend of mine, oh my... I'm sure we've known each other coming up on 40 years. We chatted one time about fairness and he couldn't have disagreed with my opinions any more than he had. He was adamant, "But you're dealing with men. We're not fair. We sure af don't treat women fairly. We don't treat each other fairly." His words gave me pause to think. After I reflected, I came to the conclusion that this is why fairness is so important to me because life isn't fair, never has been, never will be.
I express often my love of the movie Three Days of the Condor, a fine film made in the 1970s, a spy thriller which showcases how one CIA employee, working in an isolated office, unknown to the public, is suddenly thrust into intrigue, a life and death situation. In order for him to come out of it alive, he has to beat them at their own game, to out-smart them, and this ultimately results with him becoming a whistleblower, an act that any ordinary individual would avoid like the plague. At this stage, the idea of fairness is questionable. When your life is on the line, is it fair to be expected to play fair with the very persons who want to end your life? The answer of course is no. Play fair when it means not sacrificing your very life.
I shall leave you now with this one thought which may or may not resonate with you. If ever you find yourself before a judge, for whatever charge is being levied against you, keep in mind that justice isn't about fairness, nor is it the end result. Justice is a process.
The fairness you give to yourself, to your partner, your children, to your employer is a choice you get to make, and to make it alone. You're not obligated to be fair, though you'll surely sleep better at night if this is your personal standard in life.
